INTO THE VOID... the Mystic's Death
Dreams and Visions by Ariana Saraha

Into the Void
When the lady's dance is done
And the last song is sung
In a time when mists abide
Inner space where dreams collide...

Into the void I travel
Into the shadows I fall
Into the silent thunder
Into nothing and all

(I'm falling, I'm falling, the blackness is calling
Shadows wrap around, silence is a mighty sound)

As winter sets in and we embrace the darkest night of year, I am reminded of a time, some years ago, when the darkness called...

It was the winter of '95/96. A deep fever came over me. Laying in the hot cold sweat of stillness, a frightening feeling set in. I had felt this before, all throughout my childhood - but it was always unnamable. The closest I could come to describe is to say that I felt infinitely heavy, like lead, and as if my body was as huge as a mountain. And at the same time, and perhaps more terrifying, was this feeling of simultaneously feeling light as a feather, as if I subsisted of nothing.

If there was any other analogy to explain this feeling, it was as if death was suddenly present.

So of course in my feverish unrest, I tried to shake off this feeling. But almost as soon as I could shake it off, it would return. So I lay there for some time, beginning to be swallowed by this heaviness, and then shaking it off again... ...and again and again. It felt mysterious and deep, but just too terrifying to fully embrace - and to let it fully embrace me. Even as I invited myself to relax into it, a small part of me always resisted.

Some time passed. The fever faded and I got mostly better. But I was still weak, and spending a lot of time sleeping and dreaming...

One night I lay down to sleep and the feeling set in again. This time I again let it begin to embrace me, and when it began to feel to terrifying, I held firm. With no resistance, I completely embraced what could only be described as Absolute Outright Terror. And in this moment of embrace, the feeling changed entirely. Suddenly terror turned to an ocean of ecstasy.

In this time, my dream life was especially rich. One night I awoke in the middle of the night to find my hands dancing in a cosmic serpent dance - as if realigning, redesigning my dna... In this half-awake, half-dreaming state, I felt the entire night sky and all its stars as an ocean washing through me...

Another night I dreamt...

I am in a black box - a room with no apparent entrance or exit. Suddenly and inexplicably there is a woman here. She shows me the illusion of one wall - how its blackness disguises the fact there is an easy exit. I step out, following her, into empty space, into the vastness and fullness of the terrifyingly infinite Void.

I wrote a poem for her...

SHADOW WOMAN

     We are wrapped in the outer folds
          of her pitch black cloak
     Blind to the lining,
          made of the infinitely mutable substance
     Deep blue sea and blood red fire
          and brown earth and invisible sky
               have all come from within her
     In a vision, she came to me
          Showed me the way through her cloak
     Revealed a door
          hidden in the black wall
               of this box that we usually call life
     Dizzy with terror and ecstasy
          I stepped out and into the infinity within her
     Another night, she washed through me
     Mighty black wave she was,
          possessed me
     And I danced like when I was a child

No words can explain the terror and exhilaration of these myriad experiences. Each one - embracing the heavy/lightness, being washed through by the entire ocean of the night sky, and stepping into the fertile yet seemingly barren and infinite void - each one carried an awesome, point-of-death invitation to total annihilation.

Why embrace annihilation?! What craziness is this? Fortunately I never doubted the blessing...

This embrace - this being embraced - has been a lodestar in my mystical unfoldment. Returning from the point of total annihilation, there is no fear, ever, that anything could totally subsume me. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that there is the knowledge that even in being entirely subsumed, there is no longer need to fear. This dissolution of little-self opens us up to the embrace of the infinite. We are strengthened and supported in this embrace - gifted with something so much larger than our littleness. No longer an egoic self with its mini strengths and fortresses, rather we are a vessel for all of creation - which is perhaps wiser, and certainly wilder! It is what has opened me up as an artist. In fact, it was only months after these experiences that a voice I'd never heard before first came singing out of this body...

Additionally, as we allow ourselves to plunge into that most terrifying abyss, we emerge with the capacity to embrace such depth. No longer do our emotions and fears cling like clever demons - rather, they wash through, returning to the source, losing hold... Our capacity for loving, for compassionately embracing others also magnifies. The pains of the world are just part of life, none more terrifying than any other... We learn to love the rough and jagged, to say "have no fear, beloved one. Here, dance on the edge with me - find the true freedom that comes in embracing your own death."

The other night, after a beautifully sweet Gypsie Nation dance, while standing in the ceremonial closing circle, the heaviness came over me again. I just stood in it, allowing something larger than me to set in. I felt blessed, gifted, to receive such a sweet, if terrifying, embrace. The power of the universe is at hand, waiting for us simply to open up...

This, my dear friends, is only a beginning...

Many of my later song lyrics have been distilled from these early experiences. Here are a sprinkling...

THE SUN AT MIDNIGHT/ANGELFIRE

Black waves of night pour through me
Stars of the ocean, tumbling sky
Wash away all that was mine
But I, oh I, I don't mind...

For I walk in the light of the sun at midnight
I walk in the light of the sun at midnight

And I sent a prayer that flew to the sky
Touched the stars, and fell to my eyes
Showering, shimmering petals of light
And I, oh I, I am pure delight...

For I walk in the light of the sun at midnight
I walk in the light of the sun at midnight

And I watch as the embers fade to grey
And I close my eyes and a light takes shape
Only a spark, a touch of grace
Then a star, my heart aflame
Oh, AngelFire!
AngelFire!

For I walk in the light of the sun at midnight
I walk in the light of the sun at midnight

RAVEN

Raven is my name
My mother is the Wind
Cradled in her arms
Dance together on the breath

I have traveled
to the edges of death
Laughter fills the void
I am dancing,
I am empty,
I am light

Shadows give way
to sight beyond sight

Essence of blackness
silence of night
Stillness embodied
fall into flight

One eye sees daylight
one into dream
Know that nothing
is as it seems

For hidden inside
beyond the blood and the flame
Enter the gate
and step into space

Keep folding in
and in and in on the abyss
And there you will find
the deep well of bliss
...Fathomless

PHOENIX

I sing for the earth.
I sing for the angels fallen.
Wind is my breath and thunder is my song.

Have you tasted the sweetness of raindrops?
Have you smelled the lilacs in bloom?
Have you seen the sun in a lover's eyes,
and conquered your own doom?...

This endless ache of humankind,
the heart of suffering here inside...
There is a warm cave and I have lit a fire.
Come sit here by my side.

Together we will sing until the silence falls,
as the flames dance and devour...
The dragon's breath on your mortal skin,
care to join me on the pyre?...

How close can we come to death,
dancing on the edge?
What keeps you sane,
what keeps you from the flames,
what keeps your heart contained?

If you were to fall,
finally to surrender,
who would you be now?

and my most recent song...

I DIE EVERYDAY

I die everyday, just to let it all wash away, wash away...
Yes I die everyday, just to let it all go back to where it came from...
Back to where it came from...

All of the sadness and all of the pain
Washes away like a deep, soulful rain

So I die everyday, just to let it all wash away, wash away...
And I will never be the same, since I let it all go back to where it came from...
Yes I go back to where I came from

And even this happiness, it too will fade
And even this beauty, it too will slip away
And even this sorrow, and even this age of man...
...will come to pass, will come to pass...
Only Truth will last

So I die everyday, just to let it all wash away, wash away...
Yes I die everyday, just to let it all go back to where it came from...
Yes I go back to where I came from
Yes I go back, yes I go back
Yes I go back, back Home

And I know it's not easy, letting go
You're falling, you're flying, and nothing takes hold
Torn asunder, torn apart
And who knows what happens when the beating of your heart...stops.
Stop...stop...stop...

Sto......p everything!
Stop everything!
Just for one moment, just for today
Give thanks and praise for the blessings of a new way, yeah
Heyeyeyeah! Hey yeah yeah...

So I die everyday
Just to watch myself fade, fade to grey
And when the light goes out, only Peace remains...
...only Grace
Only Grace
Only peace remains.

Please, visit my website! - www.arianasaraha.com
More poetry and musings on my blog - blissprincess.blogspot.com