THE DEATH OF EGO

      He dreams that he's with this young black man and a young girl. They're sitting at a table. He's on one side, they are on the other side, facing him. They have just told him that he is infected with a serious disease. The girl is reassuring him, telling him it's not that serious, that he'll get well. He doesn't believe her.

      He asks the young guy, who tells him the truth - that he is dying. He tells him how it happened, how a little boy infected him. He tells how they hadn't wanted it to happen, and how badly they feel.

      Now the young black man is taking him south across the ocean. They're in a boat, with the young man rowing. There are rocks and islands to the south, and they are heading towards them. He's thinking of Kazantzakis' Odysseus, of how he died alone on a rocky, cold island at the South Pole.

      They come to a giant, round birdbath sort of thing, floating out here in the water. It's made of porous rock and has a pool of water at its center. They land and sit together on it, talking and waiting. He tells the young black man how he's always loved his body, how graceful and beautiful he is, and how he's loved to watch him move. He tells him that it's not a sexual thing; it's just that he's so beautiful. He's lying down near the center now, and his friend is sitting at the south edge, facing him.

      Suddenly he feels that death is near. He can't open his eyes. He can't move. He tells his young friend that death has come for him. He knows that he is dying. He tries to sit up. The man supports him, calms him. Yes. It is the end for him. He'll just go to sleep. It won't hurt at all. It'll be easy.

But no, this isn't his way. He wants to be conscious right up to the end. He wants to stay awake. That's who he is. He has to fight this to the very end!


      Jung once said that the job of the ego in a death and rebirth experience is to do just that, to fight to the very end. Our friend is doing his best. He's keeping his job. He's continuing at school. He's showing the world and himself that he can still function, can even complete difficult tasks. But he's still dying as ego, no matter what he does, without even knowing if he'll ever wake up - or if he'll ever be sane again.

      The clues, the directions to his future, are there. A child infected him, so he will have to become a child again. He loves his companion's body, so he'll have to learn to love his own body. He dies in the south - where Kazantzakis' Odysseus died - so he'll have to become someone like Odysseus, a wandering seeker of life and wisdom. He will have a future.