The following three pieces are excerpts from my book, Ramblings from the Edge. Together, these three short essays recount my decision to become a writer - and eventually, because I wanted folks to read what I had written, to become an editor too.
     If you like what you see here and wish to read my book in its entirety, you may purchase it on disc for $25. You may place your order by e-mailing me here at The Caldron.
     And thanks again to you folks who have already purchased this book and have thereby helped support my writing habit.

WRITING

     I have always been a writer, but I have never given my talent the time and energy that it deserves. I have tried other things. I have worked as a programmer. I have worked as a psychotherapist. I don't particularly like either. I realized this back when I earned my Ph.D. at UCLA. I have also tried living outside the law. But I have long outgrown those wild days. However, no matter what I have done over the years, I have found that if I don't write, I lose my way, living always here on the edge.
     I have also avoided this entire supporting-myself issue by being a full time parent. It's easy to stay busy all day long being a single dad. Just ask anyone who has ever taken care of a child full time. I did this for years, focusing almost all of my energy upon raising first my son Jonathan and then my daughter Ariana. In retrospect, I can see that I did this in part to support that feminine side of myself that took after my mother. Later, after Jonathan was all grown and when Ariana was finally off on her own, I even dreamt that my mother was in Ariana's old room packing up her belongings, leaving now that her work was finally done.
     I enjoyed being Jonathan's and Ariana's dad, but my creative side remained unsatisfied. There was a big hole in my life. Then one night, just before Ariana left to be on her own, I had a dream in which a friend of mine, a writer, helped me fix this broken sled that I needed to use. He showed me how to fix the sled's broken third wheel so I could use it again. In my dream, as soon as I fixed the wheel, following his directions, I was able to use the sled to go wherever I needed to go. I understood then from this dream, remembering that my friend was a writer, that I needed to start writing again in order to make my way through life. I knew that I was a life adventurer, a parent too, but I was also a writer. I realized that I needed to write in order to get on with my life. I needed to use all three of my wheels.
     When Aspen's dad gave us our first computer, I saw that this was actually Spirit's way of giving me an opportunity to write again. At first, I needed to do LSD to start my creative juices flowing again after all those years. But soon, I no longer needed anything but my own creative energy. Now I can't stop. Now that I'm writing, it's easy and right for me to be a life adventurer and even a dad again too - to be all of myself this time around.

GOING FOR IT

     I know I'm a writer, as well as a parent and a wandering adventurer. I've known this for years. I've known this, but I have never tried to support myself with my writing. I have written three or four books, numerous essays, and many poems, but I have always supported myself as a programmer or therapist or by living outside the law. I have never seriously attempted to publish anything I have written.
     I was talking to a friend the other night about my daughter Ariana, about how she went to college but has never used her degree. We agreed that Ariana has become an awesome singer and songwriter. We also saw that she started being successful just as soon as she decided to focus her energies upon her music.
     In the midst of our conversation, I realized that we could have been talking about me too. I went to school, as Ariana did, but I also have never really liked using the skills and knowledge that I acquired there to support myself. I also realized that, like Ariana, I have a powerful creative side.
     It struck me then that I'm a writer, just as Ariana is a singer. Maybe I have something unique to give the world too. I know that she does. It's so easy to see it in her. Sometimes it's easier to see our true selves by looking into the mirror of another.
     I decided then and there that I would do the same as she has done. I would devote my entire energies towards being a writer, and I knew, as she must have known, that my efforts would "meet with success unexpected in common hours." (Henry Thoreau) I knew that I would be able to support my family with my writing.
     I remembered too what W. H. Murray had once written, that "the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way."
     I roll the dice. . . .

LIKE A HOLY ROLLING STONE

     Joan Osborne is singing one of my favorite songs now, "One of Us," in which she's asking,

     What if God was one of us?
     Just a slob like one of us
     Just a stranger on a bus
     Trying to make his way home
     Like a holy rolling stone
     Back up to heaven all alone.

     I remembered Stephan Gaskin once saying something like this too - saying, so you're enlightened, great, but you still have to mind the store and tend to the little ones, that sort of thing. For him, enlightenment was not in itself the end of spiritual striving.
     I also thought of the Buddhists and their notion of the Boddhisattva, the person who achieves enlightenment but who stays behind with the rest of us in ordinary reality just as long as there's someone still needing enlightening.
     Listening to her sing, I wondered if maybe I was like the God she was singing about, just a stranger trying to make my way home, like a holy rolling stone. The thing is, even if I am God, even if I am already enlightened, it's not that big a deal. I still have to take care of business. I still have to be dad and support my new family. I still have to contribute to the collective welfare and consciousness too.
     Maybe this is what I was thinking when I decided this time around to be my magical self, to be Wanderer, right here in the middle of ordinary, everyday reality. I've wandered many lonesome back roads and wild forest trails in my day. I've wandered long in the darker regions of my soul. I've wandered to the higher reaches of Spirit. I have seen the Light. But I have never wandered and shared my magical self in ordinary reality. I have never done this. It's time I do so.

Eugene Marks